I walked in on an “uncomfortable” conversation today. A woman was talking to a group of other women. As I walked into the room, she was in the middle of a story.
“And my brother told her, ‘You don’t have fucking kids so keep your fucking comments to yourself.’ I totally agree with him.”
At this, I cocked my head. The other women looked at me, seeming embarrassed as they know that I don’t have children. The woman talking stopped her story and went on eating her sandwich.
This got me thinking. I’ve seen quite a few posts online about parents not wanting advice from those who don’t have kids. I’ve seen posts where the writer has said that a person without kids couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to be a parent. I get that. There are things that parents deal with on a daily basis that I don’t. But I can empathize with people. I’m good at empathy. I’ve had insomnia. I know what it’s like to not sleep. It sucks. See? Something in common.
I’ve also heard people say that those of us without kids don’t know anything about them. I call bullshit on this. I spend my life around kids. I’ve been in education for close to 15 years. In fact, I probably spend more hours per day with kids than most parents do. I have to console kids who have broken hearts, bloody knees, panic attacks, or are vomiting in a trashcan. I’ve had to explain to girls how to use a maxi-pad and what cramps are. I’ve had more conversations with kids than I care to think about having to do with friendships ending, being hurt by a friend, and the confusion of daily changes in moods of friends. I may not have kids, but I know kids.
Granted, I am not a person who goes around throwing advice out to anyone in my path. But if a friend is struggling as a parent, I’ll offer some advice about strategies that I’ve seen work. I see this as no different than helping a friend go through a difficult time in her marriage or with the grief of the death of a parent. I’ve never lost a parent but I can empathize. I can listen. And I can give advice if asked.
Perhaps as women, we need to be more accepting and understanding of each other and a little less judgmental. I’ll work on it if you will.
{ 16 comments }
Women are such bitches to each other. My friends who have kids tell me that ALL THE TIME. Oh, you wouldn’t understand b/c you don’t have kids. Fine, next time don’t ask me for advice! Awesome post!
Kids are so different that having one (or more) doesn’t make anyone an expert on all children. And I’m a fan of advice from anyone. People are teachers, nannies, brothers, sisters, aunts, whatever and maybe they have the magic sleep trick!!!! I would stupid not to listen!!! (Anyone? Help? Sleep? Pleeeeease?)
I have to say though, the comment about spending more hours with the kids than parents hurts a little. You worded this MUCH more nicely than a different post I read recently, but it’s still a little hard to read. Especially as a working mom, since it seems that we’re constantly being accused of letting someone else raise our kid.
I think you are absolutely correct. We need to modify that statement to “Unless you have kids or work with kids.” I would take advice from a teacher or therapist in a heartbeat.
This a great reminder. We need to be supportive of one another because lord knows we have enough people against us (all men women’s contraception panel anyone?). Great reminder, we are all different but need to empathize with one another.
Dude, I have a kid and half the time feel like I don’t know anything about kids. Some women are just bitches, and if my memory serves me (it was fifteen years ago that I was a teacher), there are many bitches who are teachers (but certainly not either one of us!).
I agree. You’re probably better at getting info to/ from a child than some parents I know in real life.
The part about the maxi-pad actually made me empathize for YOU.
I totally hear you.
Someone who I am very close to has children, and I don’t. She often refers to Motherhood like it is some secret circle that I just wouldn’t understand. She often scoffs at me when I say I’m tired, giving me a speech about how being tired as a Mother is SO different to being tired when you don’t have children. I often find it really hard to talk to her, and shy away from subjects that I feel she’ll shoot me down for mentioning.
Sometimes you need a person without kids to remind you what other people are thinking as your kids are running around the restaurant. To remind you that there are other people who haven’t disconnected their ability to hear just to stay sane…
I have been on both sides of the convo as I was “late” to have kids among my peers. I have no clue about kids, even after having one. I don’t think I have discovered any wealth of knowledge or secret code because I reproduced. I just feel more clueless. I welcome the advice, especially that which comes from teachers, caregivers, and others who have the massive responsibility of having to deal with the kids that other people have produced and systematically screwed up. Kudos to you for recognizing the value of empathy.
I think teachers know more about parenting than parents do. Why? If kids are cranky in a classroom the teacher can’t just give them a candy bar and sit them in front of SpongeBob for a break. No. They have to explain, and moderate, and coach, and be a therapist, etc. My sisters told my I was no longer allowed to talk about pregnancy because all of mine ended in miscarriages. So no sharing stories about tricks on how to rid of morning nausea or complaints about soreness and stuff.
Yes. women are too bitchy to their own kind.
I feel like people always find something to be smug about. There’s always something YOU wouldn’t understand. (YOU don’t have kids. YOUR husband isn’t deployed. YOU don’t work outside the home. And so on.) Why do we do this to each other?
Sadly being smug is often times the only way people know how to feel good about themselves (by putting others down or degrading their experience). Only problem is, it doesn’t work so they do it even more and so on and so on…
You are so right.
I’ve seen parents of over 6 kids not having ONE IDEA about what it takes to raise a child.
It’s all about experience and wisdom and giving a hoot.
“we need to be more accepting and understanding of each other and a little less judgmental. ”
Amen to that.
I am a parent, but I AM willing to listen to ANY advice given to me about parenting, even from my friends who don’t have children.
“Perhaps as women, we need to be more accepting and understanding of each other and a little less judgmental. ”
Amen to that. And as a parent, I am always open to advice – even from my friends without kids. Hello.
Ive been thinking about writing something along these lines. I don’t have kids. It’s very rare that I come across this kind of behavior from another woman who does have kids. It’s shitty. It does make it seem like the ultimate club that I’m not going to ever be a part of. I really try to steer clear of women who are about exclusion.
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